Thursday, January 18, 2007
i really dont understand .i m fucking angry and fucking sad and damn fucking frustrated .
ever since my brother started going to my mom's company to work .my mom is always so busy taking care of him .even at night she watch tv with him .and hardly spends the time with me .i see my mom .for less than 5h a day .saturday i want to go out with her .she is always not free .no that i dont understand she has to work .but she always breaks her promises to me .what bag .what shoe .what go out for lunch .she forgets .all she do is to nag about my studies .does she thinks i m not trying hard enough .does she undestand how tough it is for me .i really try so hard. that i feel pain .in my heart .when i pass my test .she say not good .when i get B .she say not good .why cannot get A .i know she cares about me .she wants me to get good result .i also want .but i also want her .when i sick for the past few weeks .she hardly bothered .except to bring me to the doctor .and it was because she had to see the doctor too .if not .it would have been my dad who bring me there .she keep saying so many things .she said i said she changed .to me .she is still the same mummy i like .and cherish .i keep buying littel trinkets for her .cos i know she likes them .but then she will just chuck them aside .and hardly use them .she doesnt know .how hard it was for me to save up that paltry amount of money to please her .like just now .i wanted to eat dumplings .so i ate quite a lot .i know i wasnt supposed to do that .but then if i dont eat now .i cannot them till 6 months later .i want to eat now .spend time to remember how each food taste like .bitter sweet sour spicy .but she scolded me .and she did not want to hear out my reason .she kept saying i was throwing a tantrum cos she did not watch tv with me .is it my fault i want the whole family to sit down and watch tv together .and we can chat about stuff .then she drags in about me buying so many clothes .esp tees .says i never wear them .it is true i hardly wear them .but it is not my fault .i bought them with my money like 1-2 years ago .i cant bear to give them away and i do still wear them every now and then .and then my heels .she kept insisting i hardly wear them .but why .cos she wont allow me to when we go out .i bought those stuff .as a form of reward to myself .how can she donate them as and when she like .just cos it was not bought with her money .it takes me months on cutting down on food .spending a mere requirement of 2 bucks per day .even my class tee money .i paid out of my own pocket .and that is a week allowance for me .i dont understand
as for my brother .he thinks i whine to get stuff .but it is my characteristic .it is part of me .i cant help it .like yesterday .we were eating and i could not take egg .cos i had it in the afternoon .and i was telling my dad .he fucking hell just took the egg .and ate it .all the while staring at me .and in me .i was cursing him .and under the table i was pointing my middle finger .i know i have to cut down on whining .i have been .but it is hard .and now he knows my mom dote on him more. he is always .bagering the conversation .i had forgotten the last time my mom and i talked .i have only remembered talking to my dad about school stuff .what happened in school .who is who .it is all my dad .and i can never forgive him for blaming me about ruining his chances of a good future .what is so fucking hell shameful about poly .you fucking knncb .and if you can stand your fucking bitch of a gf whine .and you can stand your eye candy whine .then why cant you fucking hell tolerate your sister's .and it is not like i see you 24/7 .and whine to you everyday .
it is now cold war .i have been typing this and never do work .but i m going to sleep and forget all troubles .and it is raining .and flooded .this is such a sickening day
imLOVINGit
8:49 PM
